Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Epic IM's with Bob
Airy
lame. what is this new picture?
lame. what is this new picture?
bob
it's a super cute kitty
it's a super cute kitty
Airy
but you hate cats
but you hate cats
bob
I just don't wnat them to touch me
I think they are cute in pictures
I think that's how I feel about men too....
I just don't wnat them to touch me
I think they are cute in pictures
I think that's how I feel about men too....
Airy
hahahaha
hahahaha
Mai Tai
Mai Tai's are excellent for right before you have to do something that you know is going to be SUPER annoying. You don't want to do it. But if you have to do it, you are sure as shit gonna smell like rum---so people know you didn't want to be there. More rum!
Sake
This is sake that I had at one of those Japanese places with the meat on sticks. Apparently the thing to do is pour the sake until it over-flows into the saucer. Sake is made for drinking when your x-boyfriend is in town and wants to see you, but you don't want to see him, but you do, but you don't. If you had somehow developed Demi Moore's body and were dating a younger man, you would definitely want to see him. If he wasn't still a selfish asshole and you thought it would work out, you would definitely want to see him. Neither of those things magically happened, so you are drinking sake. It's really the only good option if those first two things don't come through for you. If one of those things does happen for you--screw you. I have sake.
Lunch in LA
There are several times that I'm out in public, or out to eat, and the conversations of the people around me are just so inane or F-ing stupid that I can't control my frustration/amusement level.
Today at lunch with Bob---we grabbed a couple salads and sat at a table by the window. Two tacky Arab dudes---one with extremely ambiguous sexuality and the other with bad breath and nasty aftershave (that made Bob later say, "he smelled like my dad, and I hate my dad, so I instantly hated him") sat down next to us.
The one with the aftershave was talking about a property he recently bought in the area: "The media room has a closet, so it's technically a bedroom, but it wasn't listed as that---I mean, they could have gotten a lot more for it. The sellers were pains in the ass. I mean, an old lady owned it, but we bought it from her kids. She was a holocaust survivor, but that house has bad feng shui. You can see the back door from the front door, and I think that's bad. I talked to my Rabbi about it......"
This whole time I can see Bob starting to crack a smile, so I crack a smile, and this dude just keeps going and going and before I know it, both Bob and I are laughing hysterically. We weren't talking before we started laughing, so we can't pretend that one of us said something funny. It's all too obvious.
The man looks over and says, "Are you laughing at me?" Which clearly only makes me laugh more.
Yep, we're nice. But that's lunch in LA for you. That conversation was ridiculous.
Today at lunch with Bob---we grabbed a couple salads and sat at a table by the window. Two tacky Arab dudes---one with extremely ambiguous sexuality and the other with bad breath and nasty aftershave (that made Bob later say, "he smelled like my dad, and I hate my dad, so I instantly hated him") sat down next to us.
The one with the aftershave was talking about a property he recently bought in the area: "The media room has a closet, so it's technically a bedroom, but it wasn't listed as that---I mean, they could have gotten a lot more for it. The sellers were pains in the ass. I mean, an old lady owned it, but we bought it from her kids. She was a holocaust survivor, but that house has bad feng shui. You can see the back door from the front door, and I think that's bad. I talked to my Rabbi about it......"
This whole time I can see Bob starting to crack a smile, so I crack a smile, and this dude just keeps going and going and before I know it, both Bob and I are laughing hysterically. We weren't talking before we started laughing, so we can't pretend that one of us said something funny. It's all too obvious.
The man looks over and says, "Are you laughing at me?" Which clearly only makes me laugh more.
Yep, we're nice. But that's lunch in LA for you. That conversation was ridiculous.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Epic Convos with Bob
I have a friend...Bob. Bob is gay. Bob is fabulous without being outwardly fabulous. What I mean by this is that Bob wears jean (expensive but not embellished), button up shirts and converse. He spends time on his hair, but not too much. He does obsess about his hair. He also obsesses about a little blemish right by the corner of his right eye that no one will ever notice but him. One time I picked him up $60 moisturizer at Sephora. He knows what is heinous and what isn't, but doesn't spend time looking at Vogue or keeping up on fashion week. He's great, but he's not too good for everyone. In short, he's a pretty perfect gay friend.
He does however say AMAZING things. He's not an asshole, but if you over-heard some of our conversations you would think he was. Me? I just can't help but laugh.
"Ug. That homeless dude looks like something out of Star Wars. Ew. It's looking at me. I swear, they should just kidnap all the homeless people and perform Nazi science experiments on them. That way science can make huge advances all at once. Maybe Loreal will actually come out with a turn-around cream that actually works. I mean, I don't want to hear about these experiments or see pictures, but I want that turn-around cream."
This is not even close to the tops of amazing things he says. Expect more updates.
He does however say AMAZING things. He's not an asshole, but if you over-heard some of our conversations you would think he was. Me? I just can't help but laugh.
"Ug. That homeless dude looks like something out of Star Wars. Ew. It's looking at me. I swear, they should just kidnap all the homeless people and perform Nazi science experiments on them. That way science can make huge advances all at once. Maybe Loreal will actually come out with a turn-around cream that actually works. I mean, I don't want to hear about these experiments or see pictures, but I want that turn-around cream."
This is not even close to the tops of amazing things he says. Expect more updates.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Dear OK Cupid....I don't care
Yep, I don't care that so-and-so is checking me out. How to I change these damn settings? Trust me, I get enough internet rejection from the people who I message and never message me back and from the people who start talking to me, only to disappear. I don't need to be told that someone came along, read my profile, though I was ugly/not funny/whatever and moved on. That's a dumb thing to tell someone.
Also, I can't find the option where I get to tell this so-called "service" that I just need a funny Jewish dude that's around my height (shorter is okay) that is fine with a curvy white girl, who may not be curvy forever...because she did just start taking cardio barre classes....and is pretty sarcastic. Where's that button? Dumb.
Also, I can't find the option where I get to tell this so-called "service" that I just need a funny Jewish dude that's around my height (shorter is okay) that is fine with a curvy white girl, who may not be curvy forever...because she did just start taking cardio barre classes....and is pretty sarcastic. Where's that button? Dumb.
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